Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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