i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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