You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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