just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
