The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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