i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
