I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
