I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
