Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
