dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
