Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
