the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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