The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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