It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
