party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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