I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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