It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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