Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
