It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
