um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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