Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
