i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
