I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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