Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
