He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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