It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
