woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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