He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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