I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
