I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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