I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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