If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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