i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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