I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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