I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
