Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
