I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
