no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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