They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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