i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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