textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
