His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
