I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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