I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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