I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
