This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I see more hoeing in ur future
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
