I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
