There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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