McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
