Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
