i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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