my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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