haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
