i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
