She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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