It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
