my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
well you can't waste a boner
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
