My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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