she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
