He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
