Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Randomize
