My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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