he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
