you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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